Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize