im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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