For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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