Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
