What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
