How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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