Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
