don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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