I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
