Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
