Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize