From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
