If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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