did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Randomize
