your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
