I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
