He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
