I CAN MOONWALK!
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
