I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
