If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Randomize
