I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
