I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
