Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
people are starting to question the shark bite story
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
