my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
