I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
