Barsexuality is the new black.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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