you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize