this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
