it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize