I haven't been this sober since birth.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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