I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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