Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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