my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
