it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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