his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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