I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
