Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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