I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
