The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
