One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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