my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
