he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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