and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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