He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You are the jesus of drinking
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize