margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
