what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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