Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Randomize
