My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
