A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
