Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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