This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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