Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
