He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
