So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
