So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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