I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
