get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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