We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize