How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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